A Kept Woman

I'm a fairly laid back, easy-going, private person.  I like to live under the grid.  I keep to myself and I stay out of other folks' way.  I don't like too many eyes on me; and when I "go through" I try and do it quietly.  So, imagine, if you can, how I felt when I was recently "tested" with a medical issue. Naturally, I wanted to keep it to myself; but for the past few weeks, I've been back and forth debating with God about what I want, and what He wants.  It took a friend's comment on a Facebook post to remind me that "Our journey is ALWAYS about giving glory and honor to God and about whoever we can help by sharing our story." Needless to say God won and I'm simply honoring Him by bearing witness to others about His work in my life.

My story started a few months ago when I began to feel ill. Over the course of 3 days, I visited 2 Emergency Care Centers and was misdiagnosed.  Day four I prayed and decided to try one last ER. While waiting for my diagnosis, the nurse reviewed my test results and said, "Something is trying to get you, something is trying to take you out".  I was told that had I not arrived at the hospital when I did, I might not have made it.  God was with me because I drove myself to the ER. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...that wasn't a smart move. But you must know that I thought I would get a shot and antibiotics and go back home. I quickly realized that I was in for a fight but I was unsure how big of a fight it would be.  I was diagnosed with double bacterial pneumonia and I was having a heart attack that very moment. I was told the pneumonia caused the heart attack and it had been going on for 48 hours. (Who knew that was possible?)  I began to pray and ask God to help me.

I was admitted to Intensive Care and remained there for seven days and in the hospital for a total of ten.  I'm not a smoker, I drink occasionally, I don't have high blood pressure, nor do I have diabetes.  I've always had a clean bill of health.  Needless to say, the doctors were baffled and didn't understand, because I don't fit into either category. My survival was nothing but God. I know Him to be a healer because He healed my body.  Psalms 121:7 says, "The Lord will keep you from all evil, He will keep your life." I also know him now to be a keeper because He kept my life.  There were many times when I would feel someone sitting at my bedside holding my hand and kissing me on my forehead and when I opened my eyes there was no one there. That was an Angel sent by God, I'm sure of it.

I'll admit there's a lot I don't remember about those ten days, especially the seven spent in ICU.  I was told I had many, many visitors, I vaguely remember a few. I had no idea I was even in the hospital that long until the day of my release.  But the one thing I do remember is God was with me the entire time. In the moment, I had no idea the severity of my condition; I was sure everything was going to be OK. He had given me peace and never once did I think I wasn't going home.

I often think back and wonder what if...? I thank God daily for loving me and keeping me.  He spared my life and I know that He has a plan for me.  I'm excited about the journey and what's to come.  The same faith that works in the big things works in the little things. The God of Genesis 1 who brought light out of darkness is also the God of this day who guards you against every evil.  Trust Him!!

I’m So Thankful That I Don’t Look Like What I’ve Been Through

More often than not, women have said to me, “You’re so lucky; I wish I was like you; You have it all together; Do you know how many people would love be in your shoes?“ Often times, people look at where you are now but don’t see what you went through to get there. They have no idea about the crying, the pain, the lack of confidence, confusion and dysfunction. NOW I am confident, I am happy, I love my life. I feel more vibrant and alive than I’ve ever felt in my lifetime. But the journey to this happiness wasn’t glorious at all. There wasn’t anything glamorous about it. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep, depression was a real factor in my life, suicidal thoughts plagued my mind and I constantly worried about what others were thinking of me. I didn’t think I was gonna make it. But I survived and pressed on.

A lot of folks wouldn’t believe my testimony, that’s because I was taught a long time ago that when you’re going through hell, keep going. Don’t stand in the midst of your hell and whine and complain about it. Don’t stand in it and tell everybody how pitiful your life is. No one should be able to tell you’re “going through”. The whining and complaining and telling everybody that you’re suffering only causes judgment and more pain. Sometimes, it makes the journey lasts even longer. 

I had to learn to schedule my tears. I set aside a quiet time to do nothing more than cry. I’m talking about that ugly face cry, that cleansing cry, that healing cry. And afterwards, I got up, counted my blessings, remembered who I belonged to and I kept moving. Everyday is a blessing and I know that I’ll continue to have trials, that’s life, but I will continue to pray and try and remain confident in knowing that God’s got this.

I encourage you to keep going, keep striving, keep believing and keep moving forward. Be blessed and work with what God has given you. Don’t discredit Him by simply wishing you were in someone else’s shoes. Pray and speak your way to confidence, self love and peace.  Make the rest of your life, the best of your life.

You Are What Matters

I was once in a constant battle.  My dreams, my desires, and what I wanted versus what people might think or say about me.

I've always been a selfless person, always a pleaser.  Willing to do just about any and everything to make someone else happy.  I did everything from re-arranging my schedule to cancelling my plans to accommodate others; never wanting to disappoint or let them down.  I didn't want anyone to be upset with me.  I was often taken advantage of.  And of course, this left me disappointed and heart broken.  It mattered to me that everyone was happy.  Until one day, it dawned on me that I was pleasing everyone but myself.  But why?  Why had I allowed myself to be last?

My quest for an answer would take me on a journey that I would have never imagined.  I began to understand that although I was strong for everyone else, I lacked a sense of self-worth or value for myself.  I figured that if I stayed busy helping others that no one would notice that I had my own insecurities.  I didn't love myself enough to put ME first.  In fact, I didn't love myself at all.  Sure I looked like I had it together on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess.  My journey of finding myself and learning to love myself involved many sleepless nights, heartache, pain and anger.  Any frustration known to man, I experienced it. 

But baaaabbbyy, let me tell you, there is nothing like an "A-Ha" moment.  That moment when God speaks and everything becomes clear.  That moment it seems as if a light switch is turned on and you finally get it. That moment for me was clarity; and in that instant, I learned that I matter. I learned that for me to be happy, I would have to say no, even if it meant disappointing someone else.  My sanity, my dreams and my desires all matter to me and because they matter, I began to love myself.  I am comfortable in my own skin and I'm comfortable being me.

I'm still a private person because I believe that my business is just that - MINE and certain things aren't meant to be shared.  But the people that judge me, talk about me and speculate about my life, simply don't matter. And since I've learned that lesson, I've become a happier person. When you love yourself and make you a priority, what others think about you won't matter.

"The moment when what "THEY" say doesn't matter....priceless." ~ Bishop Charles Johnson

Affirmations of Faith...My Truth

My GOD is AWESOME!!!

My Vision is clear…
As I begin this new chapter in my life, I’m excited about experiencing a whole new world. I’m on the verge of exploring life with a totally different perspective. I’m not the same person I use to be. I’ve come to understand that the disappointments, heartaches, and struggles that I’ve endured were necessary so that I may become the person I am today. I’m on the verge of being happier, of being stronger. I’m on the verge of living a happier more ful-filling life. God has allowed me to live 47 years. I thank Him for that. It’s not guaranteed that I’ll be allowed 47 more, but for the remainder of my life, I choose to be happy. I understand now that my life and my time are precious. Allowing people and things that do not add value or benefit me are only a hinderance. I must focus on the positives and I will only allow positive people and their energy in my space. Negativity, chaos, and confusion do not represent who I am and are not welcomed in my life. I’m so thankful that God loves me and has never judged or given up on me. My eyes are wide opened and I’m excited about what He has in store for me. I must make myself a priority. I will not settle for second best. I know that God intended for me to be so much more.